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Reflections
I would of course skip cancer if I could but you don’t really get an option at this. Afterwards I had a choice. Either wonder how my life would be if cancer never had appeared, get stuck or find out how to make the most out of it and move forward. I keep choosing the latter. I had a ‘mindful walk’ the other day. I just asked myself what I love about my life at the moment. The answers came up very easy and quickly; the fact that I’m alive and well, my family, my friends, my job. A few years ago I would consider those things as banal and…
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Life 2.0
It’s been a while…an intensive summer, a lot of back and forths, ups and downs. Probably the hardest part so far. The part where I need to find my (new) self and begin all over again. Standing on my own! It’s been challenging and tough. And I’m not even there yet. I’ve been warned that chemo can lead to fatigue… I didn’t expect what I faced though! Everything seemed to go in slow motion and it took so much longer to do things. Looking like normal was like a double-edged sword! Most people thought I looked as if nothing had happened! But at the same time I felt like a…
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Beauty and the bitch
Last week before my next chemo. The highlight of this week was a makeup course for women with cancer. I was expecting this for months! The timing was perfect…my eyebrows are getting thinner and my eyelashes are waving goodbye! Luckily it’s happening very slowly…for now. Got a lot of products (for free!) and advice and above that met women my age also fighting breast cancer. We had a chat in the end. In some way it felt so comforting hearing lots of my thoughts, fears and reactions coming from someone else’s mouth! I’ve been sceptical about joining groups or attending meetings for patients. I was mostly scared that I would…
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Chemo nr 3!
Third chemotherapy check! I start feeling it more and more… But still trying to hang in there. Not easy though! I could really use a trip right now!! I miss travelling soo much! And there are so many people I’d love to see! The reason I’m not doing it is because of the risk of infections… It’s autumn so high season for such! So for now I’m happy even for short excursions. I’ve had some challenging weeks lately. Turns out focusing on others’ problems wasn’t that smart during the first chemo week. I felt irritated this time and I don’t know what caused it. Exercise helped later on… But the margins…
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Second chemo
Here I am, two weeks after my second chemo. I felt more prepared this time. Decided to keep a record of symptoms, side effects etc right after the first chemo so that I would know what to expect later on. I can now say it was a very good choice! I’m having a treatment every third week. The first week is the ‘toughest’. Can’t complain though… it wasn’t that bad this time. Felt quite normal during the second week both times. Let’s see how the third goes! More in the mood of doing stuff lately. I miss my friends so I’m trying to catch up. I’m also given a shot…
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Living in the now
I was watching one of the famous talks online a few days ago. The speaker put into words exactly what I was feeling at the beginning when everyone said ‘you are gonna be ok, everything will go well…’ before I even had all the facts. ‘When we push aside normal emotions to embrace false positivity, we lose our capacity to develop skills to deal with the world as it is, not as we wish it to be.’ I don’t need any false positivity, no one does! I’ll only believe it’s over when my doctors say it is. Until then I ‘ll try to learn how to live in the now.…
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Pink October
Breast cancer awareness month starts with my second chemo! The last couple of years I had a pink ribbon on me at work. Never imagined that I would be experiencing it from this side… That’s how it is! None ever expects it! Many are worried about it though… So next time you hear a woman talking about something in her breast, don’t try to calm her falsely. No matter age, physical condition, family history or not, everyone can get it! You can instead encourage them to go for a check up, maybe join them (even if they think it’s not necessary) and please support them all the way! The night…
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…and more thoughts!
This week (third after chemo) went well by the way… hence the amount of thoughts! The only downside is that my hair started falling. Thank God I am prepared for that (not really…)! At least I have a wig… I felt kind of useless the last couple of weeks when the only major decisions I had to make was the colour of my wig and what I would cook for the day (and not all days!). I’m used to solving much bigger problems, more complicated, issues regarding others than myself. A friend said somewhere in the beginning that I should be more selfish now, think less about others. Well, I…
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Thoughts so far
Most people seem to think I’m coping with all this (unusually) well. I didn’t expect that myself either… To a point where it made me wonder if I was in denial, too hopeful or too early in the progress. The truth is that the last half-year I was already in the process of thinking what really is important in life, setting priorities, finding out my strengths and weaknesses, finding myself. Never expected it would be that useful! If I cried my eyes out? No. And I’m not saying that to brag! It just wasn’t going to help! I probably cried more for all the love and support I got. If…
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First week after chemo
Less dramatic than I expected. Just sleep disturbances from cortisone. The worst part was probably not knowing what was going to follow. So I kept trying to ‘push’ myself… Not able to plan more than 24 hours ahead though! Decided to surprise a friend on her birthday. She’s been my closest person this past year so I couldn’t miss it! I really had a great weekend with a couple more friends. Best mood so far! Is that expected or autosuggestion? Doesn’t really matter… Just be thankful! Besides surprising someone I had a surprise myself. An appearance from the past in a new version. One that got me doubting myself… But…
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First chemo
Arrived on time. Stressed. Trying to make jokes! I’m getting both the venous catheter and the first treatment today. I guess some stress is acceptable. Spent the whole morning at the day treatment unit. Nurses walking in and out, a friend for company and first meeting with the therapist! Didn’t even want to leave the place in the end! Once again I have to acknowledge a nurse’s work. Especially those working with such patients! How do they manage working with cancer all day, every day? ‘If we didn’t know that what we do is meaningful and hadn’t seen all those people getting well, we wouldn’t do it!’ was what my…
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End of first month- a short trip
I need a break! Well I’d rather hear that all this is a big joke but that’s not an option. So…eggs in the freezer, all other preparations done. Pack your bags and go! A short visit home, to clear my head, see my loved ones, charge my batteries and get ready for the next step! Just as I hoped! Filled my mind with images and happy thoughts, my heart with love and my stomach with good food 🙂 Somewhere there I decided to cut my hair short…as a preparation! And back to reality! Note to myself: only bother about the things you can affect and work on it!
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2 weeks post-op
The other big ‘thing’ related to my cancer is that I can’t have kids anytime soon… Another irony (for those knowing details of my past)! Chemo is going to destroy my eggs so my doctors suggest I freeze them in advance! Injections, frequent check-ups and a minimal procedure. Not the most fun part of the journey… That started while I was waiting for the CT-scan results. Felt so weird planning for something I didn’t know if I would make it to. I had a scheduled appointment for the results. The surgeon decided to give me a call early in the morning. ‘I have good news and I thought you could…
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The week following op.
I’ll keep writing this until you get fed up… Love is everywhere! Even from people you didn’t expect! Just let them in! Still depending on others right now but it’s getting better. One step at a time! A new appointment by the end of the week for the official results. The tumor was bigger than shown on ultrasound, all lymph nodes they managed to get out were also cancerous. Well… that’s deep shit to me! What’s next? ‘We need to go on with further exams to see if there are further metastases.’ That’s what they deal with every day…and even to me it sounds like discussing a case at work.…
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Day 14. Operation day
For some reason not the fear I expected. My mom and sister are with me. I kept receiving phone calls, texts and support from everywhere. The last couple of days was trying to get everything off my head though and live normally. The surgeon arrives for ‘drawing’! That’s the first time I’m genuinely happy to see him. He’s my hero now…ready to give the first fight with my cancer! Kept seeing familiar faces all day long. Co-workers that is… that’s not how we should meet! But still taking care of me in the best possible ways! The operation went well, surgeon tried to give me a bit of a hint…
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Day 9. Second appointment
This time having a friend for support. Or as a second ‘pair of ears’, a mind capable of following the discussion, whatever you want to call it! ‘You are not going to be alone! We are not letting that happen!’ I, that has always been independent, thought I could manage everything on my own… ‘My’ nurse (yes, you get a contact nurse during the whole procedure) greets us in the waiting room. ‘I brought my friend for support this time!’ ‘How nice! I think you are getting some good news today though…’ And she smiles while letting us in. What’s that supposed to mean? I still have a f- cancer…
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Day 5-8. A bit of everything
Realizing that I don’t remember much from the last visit at the hospital, decided to call my nurse to sum up before leaving. She started talking about chemo again…though they tried leaving a little ‘window’ open before. Or was that what I thought..? My memory and concentration suck at the moment. And I can definitely not discuss things as a doctor. As if I had never been one… ‘Keep in mind that you are a patient right now, it’s normal!’ Well no it’s not! Not for me! I’m on the wrong side… Anyway…i need to prepare for the trip! And right after that I’m having guests. Need to fix around…
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Day 4. Butterflies
Migrating butterflies in bunches! Should I take that as a sign? An immigrant myself… Feeling like being in a cocoon (chrysalis to be more accurate) right now… Am I getting out of this? And will I be as colorful afterwards? Love surrounding me in all its forms! Actions and messages (long and short), feelings that people hadn’t expressed before. Things we don’t appreciate until a crisis hits us! Do I really deserve all that? More and more amazing people gathering around me! A cousin that suggests a short trip! Because she knows how much I love travelling! So grateful that she was part of my trips earlier this year! Tickets…
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Day 3. The revelation
Feels like having a lump in my throat all day. I must tell them. Fortunately surrounded by amazing friends that didn’t leave me alone for even a second. Colleagues that manage to have a different approach in such circumstances. We ended up laughing about the cosmetical results! After hours and hours of ‘conspiracy’ everything was ready for the big revelation. My ‘partner in crime’ had already started preparing and informing. All I needed to do was tell them a few more details and that I was fine. Not sure how convincing I was… But I felt like a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. According to an old saying from…
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Day 2
Waking up at a place that’s not yours. Feels a bit like holidays… Enjoy because you’re cancelling your old plans. What shall I do now? My friends are at work. Maybe start writing down my thoughts…? Like a diary. Writing should be therapeutic! A beautiful swedish summer day! One of the few! I now realize how hard it is for people struggling with mental illness when facing such moments and not being able to enjoy it. Somehow many ‘tough’ moments in my life were followed by beautiful sunny days, and I chose back then to see it as a sign of hope. Doesn’t feel like it right now… Managed to…