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Life 2.0
It’s been a while…an intensive summer, a lot of back and forths, ups and downs. Probably the hardest part so far. The part where I need to find my (new) self and begin all over again. Standing on my own! It’s been challenging and tough. And I’m not even there yet. I’ve been warned that chemo can lead to fatigue… I didn’t expect what I faced though! Everything seemed to go in slow motion and it took so much longer to do things. Looking like normal was like a double-edged sword! Most people thought I looked as if nothing had happened! But at the same time I felt like a…
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Reality check
Here I am! Back to work… at the same place where I’ve spent the last months anyway, though in a different role. I can’t say that I have switched roles now though because the ‘patient’ part is not over yet. Luckily I work part-time! Unfortunately in my job I still need to give 100% of myself at every moment. Which means no space for mistakes and misses even in such a short period of time. People think that it’s almost ridiculous to work two hours a day. ‘Of course you can do it!’ Yeah… I myself would have thought that two hours at work are nothing compared to what I…
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Symptoms during chemo
A little sum up of my symptoms during chemotherapy in case you are going through something similar. Every person has different side effects and a lot of other things can affect how you feel. Try to stay positive and focus on what you can affect! My first three treatments consisted of epirubicin in combination with cyclophosphamide, repeated every third week, total of three times. Just before the treatment I had to take a potent tablet to avoid sickness. During the first four days I received corticosteroids as well and after that injections stimulating the bone marrow for a week. Main symptoms during the first week: fatigue, needed to sleep a…
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Me and my busy mind
The past year was a total chaos. Just when I thought my life was about to start again…it did! In a much different way than expected though. I was looking forward to fun things happening but instead faced losses. Some of them bigger than others. Why is this happening? No idea… Through this journey I’ve experienced positive things as well. Some of them already named before. Last I can recall, a loud, genuine laugh among a group of women with breast cancer, some of them in a worse situation than mine. My thoughts and mood vary from day to day. Reflecting back on life choices, moments, people in my life.…
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Happy New Year
Trying to recover after last chemo. It went quite well. Had a ‘quiet’ Christmas… I guess I’m not doing so much quiet after all this! During my last doctor’s appointment I had mentioned that I was worried about my other breast. We went back and forth discussing if there was or wasn’t something. I insisted on having a new ultrasound. And I got an appointment… Two days before new year’s. Arriving there I had to show what I was palpating. The nurse was eager to point out that I was doing it the wrong way. Well…my response wasn’t that nice. Though I started with the sentence ‘don’t mean to be…
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Sixth chemo and five month ‘anniversary’
It’s official! Last chemo (hopefully), check! I was so looking forward to this day but it doesn’t feel as I thought. I still don’t have a clear plan for the near future which makes my insecurities wake up… During Christmas holidays of course! On Christmas day it’s been exactly five months since my diagnosis. Well time flies! Not in a fun way but it’s definitely been an experience. One that nobody should go through but it seems like that day is not close yet! As for the advice ‘live as usual’, it was very good in theory. In practice, f- cancer puts a stop to everything! Not being able to…
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Fifth chemo
Getting closer! It feels as if time passed so quickly… Even though I wasn’t as ‘busy’ as usual. But my mind was probably busier than ever.Fourth chemo wasn’t as kind as the previous one (new drug)… had two tough weeks but I’m not complaining. There are those that are worse off! Third week was kind of ‘bitchy’… Not easy being with people 24/7 under such circumstances. The positive side… Christmas decorated apartment! And cookies! Plus sunny days in December! Met more friends and fell in love with a little guy last week!! Life has to go on… Fifth chemo a couple of days ago. More or less same side effects…
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Chemo number 4 already
Fourth chemo! Not bad… New drug (as planned from the beginning) so trying to find out what to expect! And until then drugs in different forms and administration ways (sigh)! My hemoglobin is getting low on the other hand…not fun! Almost like living in a 70-year-old’s body. Not a healthy such! First week’s symptoms: extremely tired and flu like aches all over. On the fun side of life, I’m expecting more visitors soon! I just hope the ‘bitch’ part doesn’t return and the side effects are not too many… As it seems right now I’m missing the Christmas party at work and not traveling over the holidays for the first…
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Chemo nr 3!
Third chemotherapy check! I start feeling it more and more… But still trying to hang in there. Not easy though! I could really use a trip right now!! I miss travelling soo much! And there are so many people I’d love to see! The reason I’m not doing it is because of the risk of infections… It’s autumn so high season for such! So for now I’m happy even for short excursions. I’ve had some challenging weeks lately. Turns out focusing on others’ problems wasn’t that smart during the first chemo week. I felt irritated this time and I don’t know what caused it. Exercise helped later on… But the margins…
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…and more thoughts!
This week (third after chemo) went well by the way… hence the amount of thoughts! The only downside is that my hair started falling. Thank God I am prepared for that (not really…)! At least I have a wig… I felt kind of useless the last couple of weeks when the only major decisions I had to make was the colour of my wig and what I would cook for the day (and not all days!). I’m used to solving much bigger problems, more complicated, issues regarding others than myself. A friend said somewhere in the beginning that I should be more selfish now, think less about others. Well, I…
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Day after chemo
They ‘ve warned me that side effects will probably start after 4-5 days. That means enjoy while you still can! Well, it’s not for sure I’m going to have any after just one treatment but you can’t know until you have seen it! So I’m taking my sister and going to the hairdresser’s to talk about wigs! Not as fun as i thought but let’s just get this done! Spent the rest of the day trying to do fun stuff and pushing myself a little bit further. *Sister: the person who gave up everything and is taking care of me (as if I’m a baby…) although she’s younger! Isn’t the…
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2 weeks post-op
The other big ‘thing’ related to my cancer is that I can’t have kids anytime soon… Another irony (for those knowing details of my past)! Chemo is going to destroy my eggs so my doctors suggest I freeze them in advance! Injections, frequent check-ups and a minimal procedure. Not the most fun part of the journey… That started while I was waiting for the CT-scan results. Felt so weird planning for something I didn’t know if I would make it to. I had a scheduled appointment for the results. The surgeon decided to give me a call early in the morning. ‘I have good news and I thought you could…
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The week following op.
I’ll keep writing this until you get fed up… Love is everywhere! Even from people you didn’t expect! Just let them in! Still depending on others right now but it’s getting better. One step at a time! A new appointment by the end of the week for the official results. The tumor was bigger than shown on ultrasound, all lymph nodes they managed to get out were also cancerous. Well… that’s deep shit to me! What’s next? ‘We need to go on with further exams to see if there are further metastases.’ That’s what they deal with every day…and even to me it sounds like discussing a case at work.…
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Day 1. The big news
Well I start counting from here because if the results were different there wouldn’t have been a story to tell! A usual day at work… An intensive one. The appointment for the biopsy results just after lunch break. Luckily met a friend there and shared a good laugh in the corridor just a few minutes before the news that were about to change my life forever. Didn’t mention anything then… It was during those ten minutes in the waiting room I started feeling some anxiety for the first time. I was there alone of course because I never thought that it would be something serious. Texted a friend in the…
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Day -8. Ignorance is a bliss
Just a week left before summer holidays. Part of taking care of myself included not ignoring things on my body. Starting with a breast lump. And today I had an appointment! ‘Triple diagnostics’ as my GP said. That means mammography, ultrasound and biopsy if necessary. Not having much experience as a patient I thought mammography was painful… poor thing! The doctor coming for the ultrasound almost laughed at me. ‘There’s nothing (pathological) on mammo. Let me palpate… I feel nothing!’ Well I’m probably exaggerating…young doctors always suspect worst case scenario. Moreover I had recently come across cases regarding women my age with breast cancer. [Not working with cancer myself, and…