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Reflections
I would of course skip cancer if I could but you don’t really get an option at this. Afterwards I had a choice. Either wonder how my life would be if cancer never had appeared, get stuck or find out how to make the most out of it and move forward. I keep choosing the latter. I had a ‘mindful walk’ the other day. I just asked myself what I love about my life at the moment. The answers came up very easy and quickly; the fact that I’m alive and well, my family, my friends, my job. A few years ago I would consider those things as banal and…
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Spring
Life has taken over! So many things happened the past two years and yet it feels as if time stands still… last six months have been tough. A lot of work, a challenging change of workplace including a temporary ‘moving’ to a bigger city! And of course another half year of the pandemic. Regarding cancer, a new series of symptoms that I couldn’t ignore, new scans and thankfully results that had nothing to do with cancer! But the waiting is as horrifying every time! I wasn’t really sure I would make it…but so far I did! It feels so satisfying! Parts of myself that I thought I had lost forever…
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Life 2.0
It’s been a while…an intensive summer, a lot of back and forths, ups and downs. Probably the hardest part so far. The part where I need to find my (new) self and begin all over again. Standing on my own! It’s been challenging and tough. And I’m not even there yet. I’ve been warned that chemo can lead to fatigue… I didn’t expect what I faced though! Everything seemed to go in slow motion and it took so much longer to do things. Looking like normal was like a double-edged sword! Most people thought I looked as if nothing had happened! But at the same time I felt like a…
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Reality check
Here I am! Back to work… at the same place where I’ve spent the last months anyway, though in a different role. I can’t say that I have switched roles now though because the ‘patient’ part is not over yet. Luckily I work part-time! Unfortunately in my job I still need to give 100% of myself at every moment. Which means no space for mistakes and misses even in such a short period of time. People think that it’s almost ridiculous to work two hours a day. ‘Of course you can do it!’ Yeah… I myself would have thought that two hours at work are nothing compared to what I…
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Seven months
It feels like yesterday but then again so distant. Gathering my thoughts, pieces and strength to move forward. I’m halfway through radiotherapy which so far seems to be the easiest part of the ride. Thankfully I feel more calm, my brain started working again and my mood is so much better. All this time gave me the opportunity to reflect on a lot of things. Life, health, looks, relationships… How you can lose any of the above in seconds, what it takes to stand up and start over, how the most important relationship of them all is the one with yourself. Because when you look at yourself in the mirror,…
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Symptoms during chemo
A little sum up of my symptoms during chemotherapy in case you are going through something similar. Every person has different side effects and a lot of other things can affect how you feel. Try to stay positive and focus on what you can affect! My first three treatments consisted of epirubicin in combination with cyclophosphamide, repeated every third week, total of three times. Just before the treatment I had to take a potent tablet to avoid sickness. During the first four days I received corticosteroids as well and after that injections stimulating the bone marrow for a week. Main symptoms during the first week: fatigue, needed to sleep a…
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Turning point
Here we are again… Same waiting room, same or maybe more stress (completely unprepared back then!). Got here early and I hope it suppresses my anxiety this time. That’s why I started this post. Waiting for results is worse than coping with it. The fear of the unknown…or maybe knowing too much, but then again not enough. Alone…once again! But am I really? I know there are people all over the world (literally) thinking of me right now. And my day started with positive thoughts already! So much is at stake right now… at least for my part. For them it’s either A or B, as they said. Couldn’t stop…
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Me and my busy mind
The past year was a total chaos. Just when I thought my life was about to start again…it did! In a much different way than expected though. I was looking forward to fun things happening but instead faced losses. Some of them bigger than others. Why is this happening? No idea… Through this journey I’ve experienced positive things as well. Some of them already named before. Last I can recall, a loud, genuine laugh among a group of women with breast cancer, some of them in a worse situation than mine. My thoughts and mood vary from day to day. Reflecting back on life choices, moments, people in my life.…
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Happy New Year
Trying to recover after last chemo. It went quite well. Had a ‘quiet’ Christmas… I guess I’m not doing so much quiet after all this! During my last doctor’s appointment I had mentioned that I was worried about my other breast. We went back and forth discussing if there was or wasn’t something. I insisted on having a new ultrasound. And I got an appointment… Two days before new year’s. Arriving there I had to show what I was palpating. The nurse was eager to point out that I was doing it the wrong way. Well…my response wasn’t that nice. Though I started with the sentence ‘don’t mean to be…
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Sixth chemo and five month ‘anniversary’
It’s official! Last chemo (hopefully), check! I was so looking forward to this day but it doesn’t feel as I thought. I still don’t have a clear plan for the near future which makes my insecurities wake up… During Christmas holidays of course! On Christmas day it’s been exactly five months since my diagnosis. Well time flies! Not in a fun way but it’s definitely been an experience. One that nobody should go through but it seems like that day is not close yet! As for the advice ‘live as usual’, it was very good in theory. In practice, f- cancer puts a stop to everything! Not being able to…
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Fifth chemo
Getting closer! It feels as if time passed so quickly… Even though I wasn’t as ‘busy’ as usual. But my mind was probably busier than ever.Fourth chemo wasn’t as kind as the previous one (new drug)… had two tough weeks but I’m not complaining. There are those that are worse off! Third week was kind of ‘bitchy’… Not easy being with people 24/7 under such circumstances. The positive side… Christmas decorated apartment! And cookies! Plus sunny days in December! Met more friends and fell in love with a little guy last week!! Life has to go on… Fifth chemo a couple of days ago. More or less same side effects…
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Chemo number 4 already
Fourth chemo! Not bad… New drug (as planned from the beginning) so trying to find out what to expect! And until then drugs in different forms and administration ways (sigh)! My hemoglobin is getting low on the other hand…not fun! Almost like living in a 70-year-old’s body. Not a healthy such! First week’s symptoms: extremely tired and flu like aches all over. On the fun side of life, I’m expecting more visitors soon! I just hope the ‘bitch’ part doesn’t return and the side effects are not too many… As it seems right now I’m missing the Christmas party at work and not traveling over the holidays for the first…
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Beauty and the bitch
Last week before my next chemo. The highlight of this week was a makeup course for women with cancer. I was expecting this for months! The timing was perfect…my eyebrows are getting thinner and my eyelashes are waving goodbye! Luckily it’s happening very slowly…for now. Got a lot of products (for free!) and advice and above that met women my age also fighting breast cancer. We had a chat in the end. In some way it felt so comforting hearing lots of my thoughts, fears and reactions coming from someone else’s mouth! I’ve been sceptical about joining groups or attending meetings for patients. I was mostly scared that I would…
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Second chemo
Here I am, two weeks after my second chemo. I felt more prepared this time. Decided to keep a record of symptoms, side effects etc right after the first chemo so that I would know what to expect later on. I can now say it was a very good choice! I’m having a treatment every third week. The first week is the ‘toughest’. Can’t complain though… it wasn’t that bad this time. Felt quite normal during the second week both times. Let’s see how the third goes! More in the mood of doing stuff lately. I miss my friends so I’m trying to catch up. I’m also given a shot…
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Living in the now
I was watching one of the famous talks online a few days ago. The speaker put into words exactly what I was feeling at the beginning when everyone said ‘you are gonna be ok, everything will go well…’ before I even had all the facts. ‘When we push aside normal emotions to embrace false positivity, we lose our capacity to develop skills to deal with the world as it is, not as we wish it to be.’ I don’t need any false positivity, no one does! I’ll only believe it’s over when my doctors say it is. Until then I ‘ll try to learn how to live in the now.…
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Pink October
Breast cancer awareness month starts with my second chemo! The last couple of years I had a pink ribbon on me at work. Never imagined that I would be experiencing it from this side… That’s how it is! None ever expects it! Many are worried about it though… So next time you hear a woman talking about something in her breast, don’t try to calm her falsely. No matter age, physical condition, family history or not, everyone can get it! You can instead encourage them to go for a check up, maybe join them (even if they think it’s not necessary) and please support them all the way! The night…
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…and more thoughts!
This week (third after chemo) went well by the way… hence the amount of thoughts! The only downside is that my hair started falling. Thank God I am prepared for that (not really…)! At least I have a wig… I felt kind of useless the last couple of weeks when the only major decisions I had to make was the colour of my wig and what I would cook for the day (and not all days!). I’m used to solving much bigger problems, more complicated, issues regarding others than myself. A friend said somewhere in the beginning that I should be more selfish now, think less about others. Well, I…
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First week after chemo
Less dramatic than I expected. Just sleep disturbances from cortisone. The worst part was probably not knowing what was going to follow. So I kept trying to ‘push’ myself… Not able to plan more than 24 hours ahead though! Decided to surprise a friend on her birthday. She’s been my closest person this past year so I couldn’t miss it! I really had a great weekend with a couple more friends. Best mood so far! Is that expected or autosuggestion? Doesn’t really matter… Just be thankful! Besides surprising someone I had a surprise myself. An appearance from the past in a new version. One that got me doubting myself… But…
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End of first month- a short trip
​I need a break! Well I’d rather hear that all this is a big joke but that’s not an option. So…eggs in the freezer, all other preparations done. Pack your bags and go! A short visit home, to clear my head, see my loved ones, charge my batteries and get ready for the next step! Just as I hoped! Filled my mind with images and happy thoughts, my heart with love and my stomach with good food 🙂 Somewhere there I decided to cut my hair short…as a preparation! And back to reality! Note to myself: only bother about the things you can affect and work on it!
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First onco appointment
Oncology was probably the specialty I excluded first when deciding what kind of doctor I wanted to be. I always thought they dealt with so much pain and suffering and I would never have the ability to manage. Met both my doctor and my nurses today. I now realize what is actually going on. I have cancer! Spent a long time with them and I was alone again for the first time after the shocking first visit at the surgeon’s. But in an unexpected way I felt so comfortable, so familiar. Got thorough information about all aspects of both disease and treatment. The only thing I didn’t want to know…
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2 weeks post-op
The other big ‘thing’ related to my cancer is that I can’t have kids anytime soon… Another irony (for those knowing details of my past)! Chemo is going to destroy my eggs so my doctors suggest I freeze them in advance! Injections, frequent check-ups and a minimal procedure. Not the most fun part of the journey… That started while I was waiting for the CT-scan results. Felt so weird planning for something I didn’t know if I would make it to. I had a scheduled appointment for the results. The surgeon decided to give me a call early in the morning. ‘I have good news and I thought you could…
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Day 14. Operation day
For some reason not the fear I expected. My mom and sister are with me. I kept receiving phone calls, texts and support from everywhere. The last couple of days was trying to get everything off my head though and live normally. The surgeon arrives for ‘drawing’! That’s the first time I’m genuinely happy to see him. He’s my hero now…ready to give the first fight with my cancer! Kept seeing familiar faces all day long. Co-workers that is… that’s not how we should meet! But still taking care of me in the best possible ways! The operation went well, surgeon tried to give me a bit of a hint…
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Day 9. Second appointment
This time having a friend for support. Or as a second ‘pair of ears’, a mind capable of following the discussion, whatever you want to call it! ‘You are not going to be alone! We are not letting that happen!’ I, that has always been independent, thought I could manage everything on my own… ‘My’ nurse (yes, you get a contact nurse during the whole procedure) greets us in the waiting room. ‘I brought my friend for support this time!’ ‘How nice! I think you are getting some good news today though…’ And she smiles while letting us in. What’s that supposed to mean? I still have a f- cancer…
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Day 5-8. A bit of everything
Realizing that I don’t remember much from the last visit at the hospital, decided to call my nurse to sum up before leaving. She started talking about chemo again…though they tried leaving a little ‘window’ open before. Or was that what I thought..? My memory and concentration suck at the moment. And I can definitely not discuss things as a doctor. As if I had never been one… ‘Keep in mind that you are a patient right now, it’s normal!’ Well no it’s not! Not for me! I’m on the wrong side… Anyway…i need to prepare for the trip! And right after that I’m having guests. Need to fix around…
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Day 1. The big news
Well I start counting from here because if the results were different there wouldn’t have been a story to tell! A usual day at work… An intensive one. The appointment for the biopsy results just after lunch break. Luckily met a friend there and shared a good laugh in the corridor just a few minutes before the news that were about to change my life forever. Didn’t mention anything then… It was during those ten minutes in the waiting room I started feeling some anxiety for the first time. I was there alone of course because I never thought that it would be something serious. Texted a friend in the…