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Reflections
I would of course skip cancer if I could but you don’t really get an option at this. Afterwards I had a choice. Either wonder how my life would be if cancer never had appeared, get stuck or find out how to make the most out of it and move forward. I keep choosing the latter. I had a ‘mindful walk’ the other day. I just asked myself what I love about my life at the moment. The answers came up very easy and quickly; the fact that I’m alive and well, my family, my friends, my job. A few years ago I would consider those things as banal and…
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Spring
Life has taken over! So many things happened the past two years and yet it feels as if time stands still… last six months have been tough. A lot of work, a challenging change of workplace including a temporary ‘moving’ to a bigger city! And of course another half year of the pandemic. Regarding cancer, a new series of symptoms that I couldn’t ignore, new scans and thankfully results that had nothing to do with cancer! But the waiting is as horrifying every time! I wasn’t really sure I would make it…but so far I did! It feels so satisfying! Parts of myself that I thought I had lost forever…
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Reality check
Here I am! Back to work… at the same place where I’ve spent the last months anyway, though in a different role. I can’t say that I have switched roles now though because the ‘patient’ part is not over yet. Luckily I work part-time! Unfortunately in my job I still need to give 100% of myself at every moment. Which means no space for mistakes and misses even in such a short period of time. People think that it’s almost ridiculous to work two hours a day. ‘Of course you can do it!’ Yeah… I myself would have thought that two hours at work are nothing compared to what I…
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Quarantine diaries
I don’t know if I should be surprised anymore… Once again not much went according to plan. Only this time something bigger than me, us, the world. A pandemic!I managed to travel back to my home country before the chaos started, after a few back-and-forths… It didn’t take long before the whole country ended in quarantine. A bit later my flight back home got cancelled… A friend once described my life as ‘soap opera’. I didn’t expect another season that soon! That means no walks by the beach, no meetings with friends, barely with family. But thankful for those I got to spend time with, the Easter baking and the…
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Seven months
It feels like yesterday but then again so distant. Gathering my thoughts, pieces and strength to move forward. I’m halfway through radiotherapy which so far seems to be the easiest part of the ride. Thankfully I feel more calm, my brain started working again and my mood is so much better. All this time gave me the opportunity to reflect on a lot of things. Life, health, looks, relationships… How you can lose any of the above in seconds, what it takes to stand up and start over, how the most important relationship of them all is the one with yourself. Because when you look at yourself in the mirror,…
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Symptoms during chemo
A little sum up of my symptoms during chemotherapy in case you are going through something similar. Every person has different side effects and a lot of other things can affect how you feel. Try to stay positive and focus on what you can affect! My first three treatments consisted of epirubicin in combination with cyclophosphamide, repeated every third week, total of three times. Just before the treatment I had to take a potent tablet to avoid sickness. During the first four days I received corticosteroids as well and after that injections stimulating the bone marrow for a week. Main symptoms during the first week: fatigue, needed to sleep a…
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Turning point
Here we are again… Same waiting room, same or maybe more stress (completely unprepared back then!). Got here early and I hope it suppresses my anxiety this time. That’s why I started this post. Waiting for results is worse than coping with it. The fear of the unknown…or maybe knowing too much, but then again not enough. Alone…once again! But am I really? I know there are people all over the world (literally) thinking of me right now. And my day started with positive thoughts already! So much is at stake right now… at least for my part. For them it’s either A or B, as they said. Couldn’t stop…
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Me and my busy mind
The past year was a total chaos. Just when I thought my life was about to start again…it did! In a much different way than expected though. I was looking forward to fun things happening but instead faced losses. Some of them bigger than others. Why is this happening? No idea… Through this journey I’ve experienced positive things as well. Some of them already named before. Last I can recall, a loud, genuine laugh among a group of women with breast cancer, some of them in a worse situation than mine. My thoughts and mood vary from day to day. Reflecting back on life choices, moments, people in my life.…
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Sixth chemo and five month ‘anniversary’
It’s official! Last chemo (hopefully), check! I was so looking forward to this day but it doesn’t feel as I thought. I still don’t have a clear plan for the near future which makes my insecurities wake up… During Christmas holidays of course! On Christmas day it’s been exactly five months since my diagnosis. Well time flies! Not in a fun way but it’s definitely been an experience. One that nobody should go through but it seems like that day is not close yet! As for the advice ‘live as usual’, it was very good in theory. In practice, f- cancer puts a stop to everything! Not being able to…
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Chemo number 4 already
Fourth chemo! Not bad… New drug (as planned from the beginning) so trying to find out what to expect! And until then drugs in different forms and administration ways (sigh)! My hemoglobin is getting low on the other hand…not fun! Almost like living in a 70-year-old’s body. Not a healthy such! First week’s symptoms: extremely tired and flu like aches all over. On the fun side of life, I’m expecting more visitors soon! I just hope the ‘bitch’ part doesn’t return and the side effects are not too many… As it seems right now I’m missing the Christmas party at work and not traveling over the holidays for the first…
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Beauty and the bitch
Last week before my next chemo. The highlight of this week was a makeup course for women with cancer. I was expecting this for months! The timing was perfect…my eyebrows are getting thinner and my eyelashes are waving goodbye! Luckily it’s happening very slowly…for now. Got a lot of products (for free!) and advice and above that met women my age also fighting breast cancer. We had a chat in the end. In some way it felt so comforting hearing lots of my thoughts, fears and reactions coming from someone else’s mouth! I’ve been sceptical about joining groups or attending meetings for patients. I was mostly scared that I would…
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Second chemo
Here I am, two weeks after my second chemo. I felt more prepared this time. Decided to keep a record of symptoms, side effects etc right after the first chemo so that I would know what to expect later on. I can now say it was a very good choice! I’m having a treatment every third week. The first week is the ‘toughest’. Can’t complain though… it wasn’t that bad this time. Felt quite normal during the second week both times. Let’s see how the third goes! More in the mood of doing stuff lately. I miss my friends so I’m trying to catch up. I’m also given a shot…
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Pink October
Breast cancer awareness month starts with my second chemo! The last couple of years I had a pink ribbon on me at work. Never imagined that I would be experiencing it from this side… That’s how it is! None ever expects it! Many are worried about it though… So next time you hear a woman talking about something in her breast, don’t try to calm her falsely. No matter age, physical condition, family history or not, everyone can get it! You can instead encourage them to go for a check up, maybe join them (even if they think it’s not necessary) and please support them all the way! The night…
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…and more thoughts!
This week (third after chemo) went well by the way… hence the amount of thoughts! The only downside is that my hair started falling. Thank God I am prepared for that (not really…)! At least I have a wig… I felt kind of useless the last couple of weeks when the only major decisions I had to make was the colour of my wig and what I would cook for the day (and not all days!). I’m used to solving much bigger problems, more complicated, issues regarding others than myself. A friend said somewhere in the beginning that I should be more selfish now, think less about others. Well, I…
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Thoughts so far
Most people seem to think I’m coping with all this (unusually) well. I didn’t expect that myself either… To a point where it made me wonder if I was in denial, too hopeful or too early in the progress. The truth is that the last half-year I was already in the process of thinking what really is important in life, setting priorities, finding out my strengths and weaknesses, finding myself. Never expected it would be that useful! If I cried my eyes out? No. And I’m not saying that to brag! It just wasn’t going to help! I probably cried more for all the love and support I got. If…
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First week after chemo
Less dramatic than I expected. Just sleep disturbances from cortisone. The worst part was probably not knowing what was going to follow. So I kept trying to ‘push’ myself… Not able to plan more than 24 hours ahead though! Decided to surprise a friend on her birthday. She’s been my closest person this past year so I couldn’t miss it! I really had a great weekend with a couple more friends. Best mood so far! Is that expected or autosuggestion? Doesn’t really matter… Just be thankful! Besides surprising someone I had a surprise myself. An appearance from the past in a new version. One that got me doubting myself… But…
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Day after chemo
They ‘ve warned me that side effects will probably start after 4-5 days. That means enjoy while you still can! Well, it’s not for sure I’m going to have any after just one treatment but you can’t know until you have seen it! So I’m taking my sister and going to the hairdresser’s to talk about wigs! Not as fun as i thought but let’s just get this done! Spent the rest of the day trying to do fun stuff and pushing myself a little bit further. *Sister: the person who gave up everything and is taking care of me (as if I’m a baby…) although she’s younger! Isn’t the…
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End of first month- a short trip
​I need a break! Well I’d rather hear that all this is a big joke but that’s not an option. So…eggs in the freezer, all other preparations done. Pack your bags and go! A short visit home, to clear my head, see my loved ones, charge my batteries and get ready for the next step! Just as I hoped! Filled my mind with images and happy thoughts, my heart with love and my stomach with good food 🙂 Somewhere there I decided to cut my hair short…as a preparation! And back to reality! Note to myself: only bother about the things you can affect and work on it!
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The week following op.
I’ll keep writing this until you get fed up… Love is everywhere! Even from people you didn’t expect! Just let them in! Still depending on others right now but it’s getting better. One step at a time! A new appointment by the end of the week for the official results. The tumor was bigger than shown on ultrasound, all lymph nodes they managed to get out were also cancerous. Well… that’s deep shit to me! What’s next? ‘We need to go on with further exams to see if there are further metastases.’ That’s what they deal with every day…and even to me it sounds like discussing a case at work.…
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Day 14. Operation day
For some reason not the fear I expected. My mom and sister are with me. I kept receiving phone calls, texts and support from everywhere. The last couple of days was trying to get everything off my head though and live normally. The surgeon arrives for ‘drawing’! That’s the first time I’m genuinely happy to see him. He’s my hero now…ready to give the first fight with my cancer! Kept seeing familiar faces all day long. Co-workers that is… that’s not how we should meet! But still taking care of me in the best possible ways! The operation went well, surgeon tried to give me a bit of a hint…
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Day 9. Second appointment
This time having a friend for support. Or as a second ‘pair of ears’, a mind capable of following the discussion, whatever you want to call it! ‘You are not going to be alone! We are not letting that happen!’ I, that has always been independent, thought I could manage everything on my own… ‘My’ nurse (yes, you get a contact nurse during the whole procedure) greets us in the waiting room. ‘I brought my friend for support this time!’ ‘How nice! I think you are getting some good news today though…’ And she smiles while letting us in. What’s that supposed to mean? I still have a f- cancer…
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Day 5-8. A bit of everything
Realizing that I don’t remember much from the last visit at the hospital, decided to call my nurse to sum up before leaving. She started talking about chemo again…though they tried leaving a little ‘window’ open before. Or was that what I thought..? My memory and concentration suck at the moment. And I can definitely not discuss things as a doctor. As if I had never been one… ‘Keep in mind that you are a patient right now, it’s normal!’ Well no it’s not! Not for me! I’m on the wrong side… Anyway…i need to prepare for the trip! And right after that I’m having guests. Need to fix around…
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Day 4. Butterflies
Migrating butterflies in bunches! Should I take that as a sign? An immigrant myself… Feeling like being in a cocoon (chrysalis to be more accurate) right now… Am I getting out of this? And will I be as colorful afterwards? Love surrounding me in all its forms! Actions and messages (long and short), feelings that people hadn’t expressed before. Things we don’t appreciate until a crisis hits us! Do I really deserve all that? More and more amazing people gathering around me! A cousin that suggests a short trip! Because she knows how much I love travelling! So grateful that she was part of my trips earlier this year! Tickets…
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Day 3. The revelation
Feels like having a lump in my throat all day. I must tell them. Fortunately surrounded by amazing friends that didn’t leave me alone for even a second. Colleagues that manage to have a different approach in such circumstances. We ended up laughing about the cosmetical results! After hours and hours of ‘conspiracy’ everything was ready for the big revelation. My ‘partner in crime’ had already started preparing and informing. All I needed to do was tell them a few more details and that I was fine. Not sure how convincing I was… But I felt like a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. According to an old saying from…
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Day 2
Waking up at a place that’s not yours. Feels a bit like holidays… Enjoy because you’re cancelling your old plans. What shall I do now? My friends are at work. Maybe start writing down my thoughts…? Like a diary. Writing should be therapeutic! A beautiful swedish summer day! One of the few! I now realize how hard it is for people struggling with mental illness when facing such moments and not being able to enjoy it. Somehow many ‘tough’ moments in my life were followed by beautiful sunny days, and I chose back then to see it as a sign of hope. Doesn’t feel like it right now… Managed to…