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Spring
Life has taken over! So many things happened the past two years and yet it feels as if time stands still… last six months have been tough. A lot of work, a challenging change of workplace including a temporary ‘moving’ to a bigger city! And of course another half year of the pandemic. Regarding cancer, a new series of symptoms that I couldn’t ignore, new scans and thankfully results that had nothing to do with cancer! But the waiting is as horrifying every time! I wasn’t really sure I would make it…but so far I did! It feels so satisfying! Parts of myself that I thought I had lost forever…
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Quarantine diaries
I don’t know if I should be surprised anymore… Once again not much went according to plan. Only this time something bigger than me, us, the world. A pandemic!I managed to travel back to my home country before the chaos started, after a few back-and-forths… It didn’t take long before the whole country ended in quarantine. A bit later my flight back home got cancelled… A friend once described my life as ‘soap opera’. I didn’t expect another season that soon! That means no walks by the beach, no meetings with friends, barely with family. But thankful for those I got to spend time with, the Easter baking and the…
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Baby steps
New month, new plans, new trip! Recovering day by day… Trying to get back to a normal life gradually. One step at a time! That’s what they call rehab! So many aspects to consider… and the treatment is not really over! Six months have just passed… Looked at myself in the mirror the other day and for a second I wondered if all that had really happened to me. It feels so strange. But, yes it did; and it’s not over yet! I’ll try to focus on the things I can affect now. Time for a short trip! In between… Perfect time to meet more friends and new ‘little people’!…
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Turning point
Here we are again… Same waiting room, same or maybe more stress (completely unprepared back then!). Got here early and I hope it suppresses my anxiety this time. That’s why I started this post. Waiting for results is worse than coping with it. The fear of the unknown…or maybe knowing too much, but then again not enough. Alone…once again! But am I really? I know there are people all over the world (literally) thinking of me right now. And my day started with positive thoughts already! So much is at stake right now… at least for my part. For them it’s either A or B, as they said. Couldn’t stop…
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Second chemo
Here I am, two weeks after my second chemo. I felt more prepared this time. Decided to keep a record of symptoms, side effects etc right after the first chemo so that I would know what to expect later on. I can now say it was a very good choice! I’m having a treatment every third week. The first week is the ‘toughest’. Can’t complain though… it wasn’t that bad this time. Felt quite normal during the second week both times. Let’s see how the third goes! More in the mood of doing stuff lately. I miss my friends so I’m trying to catch up. I’m also given a shot…
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…and more thoughts!
This week (third after chemo) went well by the way… hence the amount of thoughts! The only downside is that my hair started falling. Thank God I am prepared for that (not really…)! At least I have a wig… I felt kind of useless the last couple of weeks when the only major decisions I had to make was the colour of my wig and what I would cook for the day (and not all days!). I’m used to solving much bigger problems, more complicated, issues regarding others than myself. A friend said somewhere in the beginning that I should be more selfish now, think less about others. Well, I…
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Thoughts so far
Most people seem to think I’m coping with all this (unusually) well. I didn’t expect that myself either… To a point where it made me wonder if I was in denial, too hopeful or too early in the progress. The truth is that the last half-year I was already in the process of thinking what really is important in life, setting priorities, finding out my strengths and weaknesses, finding myself. Never expected it would be that useful! If I cried my eyes out? No. And I’m not saying that to brag! It just wasn’t going to help! I probably cried more for all the love and support I got. If…
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First week after chemo
Less dramatic than I expected. Just sleep disturbances from cortisone. The worst part was probably not knowing what was going to follow. So I kept trying to ‘push’ myself… Not able to plan more than 24 hours ahead though! Decided to surprise a friend on her birthday. She’s been my closest person this past year so I couldn’t miss it! I really had a great weekend with a couple more friends. Best mood so far! Is that expected or autosuggestion? Doesn’t really matter… Just be thankful! Besides surprising someone I had a surprise myself. An appearance from the past in a new version. One that got me doubting myself… But…
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Day after chemo
They ‘ve warned me that side effects will probably start after 4-5 days. That means enjoy while you still can! Well, it’s not for sure I’m going to have any after just one treatment but you can’t know until you have seen it! So I’m taking my sister and going to the hairdresser’s to talk about wigs! Not as fun as i thought but let’s just get this done! Spent the rest of the day trying to do fun stuff and pushing myself a little bit further. *Sister: the person who gave up everything and is taking care of me (as if I’m a baby…) although she’s younger! Isn’t the…
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First chemo
Arrived on time. Stressed. Trying to make jokes! I’m getting both the venous catheter and the first treatment today. I guess some stress is acceptable. Spent the whole morning at the day treatment unit. Nurses walking in and out, a friend for company and first meeting with the therapist! Didn’t even want to leave the place in the end! Once again I have to acknowledge a nurse’s work. Especially those working with such patients! How do they manage working with cancer all day, every day? ‘If we didn’t know that what we do is meaningful and hadn’t seen all those people getting well, we wouldn’t do it!’ was what my…
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Day 9. Second appointment
This time having a friend for support. Or as a second ‘pair of ears’, a mind capable of following the discussion, whatever you want to call it! ‘You are not going to be alone! We are not letting that happen!’ I, that has always been independent, thought I could manage everything on my own… ‘My’ nurse (yes, you get a contact nurse during the whole procedure) greets us in the waiting room. ‘I brought my friend for support this time!’ ‘How nice! I think you are getting some good news today though…’ And she smiles while letting us in. What’s that supposed to mean? I still have a f- cancer…
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Day 4. Butterflies
Migrating butterflies in bunches! Should I take that as a sign? An immigrant myself… Feeling like being in a cocoon (chrysalis to be more accurate) right now… Am I getting out of this? And will I be as colorful afterwards? Love surrounding me in all its forms! Actions and messages (long and short), feelings that people hadn’t expressed before. Things we don’t appreciate until a crisis hits us! Do I really deserve all that? More and more amazing people gathering around me! A cousin that suggests a short trip! Because she knows how much I love travelling! So grateful that she was part of my trips earlier this year! Tickets…
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Day 3. The revelation
Feels like having a lump in my throat all day. I must tell them. Fortunately surrounded by amazing friends that didn’t leave me alone for even a second. Colleagues that manage to have a different approach in such circumstances. We ended up laughing about the cosmetical results! After hours and hours of ‘conspiracy’ everything was ready for the big revelation. My ‘partner in crime’ had already started preparing and informing. All I needed to do was tell them a few more details and that I was fine. Not sure how convincing I was… But I felt like a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. According to an old saying from…
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Day 2
Waking up at a place that’s not yours. Feels a bit like holidays… Enjoy because you’re cancelling your old plans. What shall I do now? My friends are at work. Maybe start writing down my thoughts…? Like a diary. Writing should be therapeutic! A beautiful swedish summer day! One of the few! I now realize how hard it is for people struggling with mental illness when facing such moments and not being able to enjoy it. Somehow many ‘tough’ moments in my life were followed by beautiful sunny days, and I chose back then to see it as a sign of hope. Doesn’t feel like it right now… Managed to…