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Spring
Life has taken over! So many things happened the past two years and yet it feels as if time stands still… last six months have been tough. A lot of work, a challenging change of workplace including a temporary ‘moving’ to a bigger city! And of course another half year of the pandemic. Regarding cancer, a new series of symptoms that I couldn’t ignore, new scans and thankfully results that had nothing to do with cancer! But the waiting is as horrifying every time! I wasn’t really sure I would make it…but so far I did! It feels so satisfying! Parts of myself that I thought I had lost forever…
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Life 2.0
It’s been a while…an intensive summer, a lot of back and forths, ups and downs. Probably the hardest part so far. The part where I need to find my (new) self and begin all over again. Standing on my own! It’s been challenging and tough. And I’m not even there yet. I’ve been warned that chemo can lead to fatigue… I didn’t expect what I faced though! Everything seemed to go in slow motion and it took so much longer to do things. Looking like normal was like a double-edged sword! Most people thought I looked as if nothing had happened! But at the same time I felt like a…
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Reality check
Here I am! Back to work… at the same place where I’ve spent the last months anyway, though in a different role. I can’t say that I have switched roles now though because the ‘patient’ part is not over yet. Luckily I work part-time! Unfortunately in my job I still need to give 100% of myself at every moment. Which means no space for mistakes and misses even in such a short period of time. People think that it’s almost ridiculous to work two hours a day. ‘Of course you can do it!’ Yeah… I myself would have thought that two hours at work are nothing compared to what I…
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Seven months
It feels like yesterday but then again so distant. Gathering my thoughts, pieces and strength to move forward. I’m halfway through radiotherapy which so far seems to be the easiest part of the ride. Thankfully I feel more calm, my brain started working again and my mood is so much better. All this time gave me the opportunity to reflect on a lot of things. Life, health, looks, relationships… How you can lose any of the above in seconds, what it takes to stand up and start over, how the most important relationship of them all is the one with yourself. Because when you look at yourself in the mirror,…
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Turning point
Here we are again… Same waiting room, same or maybe more stress (completely unprepared back then!). Got here early and I hope it suppresses my anxiety this time. That’s why I started this post. Waiting for results is worse than coping with it. The fear of the unknown…or maybe knowing too much, but then again not enough. Alone…once again! But am I really? I know there are people all over the world (literally) thinking of me right now. And my day started with positive thoughts already! So much is at stake right now… at least for my part. For them it’s either A or B, as they said. Couldn’t stop…
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Me and my busy mind
The past year was a total chaos. Just when I thought my life was about to start again…it did! In a much different way than expected though. I was looking forward to fun things happening but instead faced losses. Some of them bigger than others. Why is this happening? No idea… Through this journey I’ve experienced positive things as well. Some of them already named before. Last I can recall, a loud, genuine laugh among a group of women with breast cancer, some of them in a worse situation than mine. My thoughts and mood vary from day to day. Reflecting back on life choices, moments, people in my life.…
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Happy New Year
Trying to recover after last chemo. It went quite well. Had a ‘quiet’ Christmas… I guess I’m not doing so much quiet after all this! During my last doctor’s appointment I had mentioned that I was worried about my other breast. We went back and forth discussing if there was or wasn’t something. I insisted on having a new ultrasound. And I got an appointment… Two days before new year’s. Arriving there I had to show what I was palpating. The nurse was eager to point out that I was doing it the wrong way. Well…my response wasn’t that nice. Though I started with the sentence ‘don’t mean to be…
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Sixth chemo and five month ‘anniversary’
It’s official! Last chemo (hopefully), check! I was so looking forward to this day but it doesn’t feel as I thought. I still don’t have a clear plan for the near future which makes my insecurities wake up… During Christmas holidays of course! On Christmas day it’s been exactly five months since my diagnosis. Well time flies! Not in a fun way but it’s definitely been an experience. One that nobody should go through but it seems like that day is not close yet! As for the advice ‘live as usual’, it was very good in theory. In practice, f- cancer puts a stop to everything! Not being able to…
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Chemo nr 3!
Third chemotherapy check! I start feeling it more and more… But still trying to hang in there. Not easy though! I could really use a trip right now!! I miss travelling soo much! And there are so many people I’d love to see! The reason I’m not doing it is because of the risk of infections… It’s autumn so high season for such! So for now I’m happy even for short excursions. I’ve had some challenging weeks lately. Turns out focusing on others’ problems wasn’t that smart during the first chemo week. I felt irritated this time and I don’t know what caused it. Exercise helped later on… But the margins…
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Second chemo
Here I am, two weeks after my second chemo. I felt more prepared this time. Decided to keep a record of symptoms, side effects etc right after the first chemo so that I would know what to expect later on. I can now say it was a very good choice! I’m having a treatment every third week. The first week is the ‘toughest’. Can’t complain though… it wasn’t that bad this time. Felt quite normal during the second week both times. Let’s see how the third goes! More in the mood of doing stuff lately. I miss my friends so I’m trying to catch up. I’m also given a shot…
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Thoughts so far
Most people seem to think I’m coping with all this (unusually) well. I didn’t expect that myself either… To a point where it made me wonder if I was in denial, too hopeful or too early in the progress. The truth is that the last half-year I was already in the process of thinking what really is important in life, setting priorities, finding out my strengths and weaknesses, finding myself. Never expected it would be that useful! If I cried my eyes out? No. And I’m not saying that to brag! It just wasn’t going to help! I probably cried more for all the love and support I got. If…
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Day after chemo
They ‘ve warned me that side effects will probably start after 4-5 days. That means enjoy while you still can! Well, it’s not for sure I’m going to have any after just one treatment but you can’t know until you have seen it! So I’m taking my sister and going to the hairdresser’s to talk about wigs! Not as fun as i thought but let’s just get this done! Spent the rest of the day trying to do fun stuff and pushing myself a little bit further. *Sister: the person who gave up everything and is taking care of me (as if I’m a baby…) although she’s younger! Isn’t the…
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First chemo
Arrived on time. Stressed. Trying to make jokes! I’m getting both the venous catheter and the first treatment today. I guess some stress is acceptable. Spent the whole morning at the day treatment unit. Nurses walking in and out, a friend for company and first meeting with the therapist! Didn’t even want to leave the place in the end! Once again I have to acknowledge a nurse’s work. Especially those working with such patients! How do they manage working with cancer all day, every day? ‘If we didn’t know that what we do is meaningful and hadn’t seen all those people getting well, we wouldn’t do it!’ was what my…
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The week following op.
I’ll keep writing this until you get fed up… Love is everywhere! Even from people you didn’t expect! Just let them in! Still depending on others right now but it’s getting better. One step at a time! A new appointment by the end of the week for the official results. The tumor was bigger than shown on ultrasound, all lymph nodes they managed to get out were also cancerous. Well… that’s deep shit to me! What’s next? ‘We need to go on with further exams to see if there are further metastases.’ That’s what they deal with every day…and even to me it sounds like discussing a case at work.…
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Day 14. Operation day
For some reason not the fear I expected. My mom and sister are with me. I kept receiving phone calls, texts and support from everywhere. The last couple of days was trying to get everything off my head though and live normally. The surgeon arrives for ‘drawing’! That’s the first time I’m genuinely happy to see him. He’s my hero now…ready to give the first fight with my cancer! Kept seeing familiar faces all day long. Co-workers that is… that’s not how we should meet! But still taking care of me in the best possible ways! The operation went well, surgeon tried to give me a bit of a hint…
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Day 9. Second appointment
This time having a friend for support. Or as a second ‘pair of ears’, a mind capable of following the discussion, whatever you want to call it! ‘You are not going to be alone! We are not letting that happen!’ I, that has always been independent, thought I could manage everything on my own… ‘My’ nurse (yes, you get a contact nurse during the whole procedure) greets us in the waiting room. ‘I brought my friend for support this time!’ ‘How nice! I think you are getting some good news today though…’ And she smiles while letting us in. What’s that supposed to mean? I still have a f- cancer…
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Day 5-8. A bit of everything
Realizing that I don’t remember much from the last visit at the hospital, decided to call my nurse to sum up before leaving. She started talking about chemo again…though they tried leaving a little ‘window’ open before. Or was that what I thought..? My memory and concentration suck at the moment. And I can definitely not discuss things as a doctor. As if I had never been one… ‘Keep in mind that you are a patient right now, it’s normal!’ Well no it’s not! Not for me! I’m on the wrong side… Anyway…i need to prepare for the trip! And right after that I’m having guests. Need to fix around…
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Day 2
Waking up at a place that’s not yours. Feels a bit like holidays… Enjoy because you’re cancelling your old plans. What shall I do now? My friends are at work. Maybe start writing down my thoughts…? Like a diary. Writing should be therapeutic! A beautiful swedish summer day! One of the few! I now realize how hard it is for people struggling with mental illness when facing such moments and not being able to enjoy it. Somehow many ‘tough’ moments in my life were followed by beautiful sunny days, and I chose back then to see it as a sign of hope. Doesn’t feel like it right now… Managed to…
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Day 1. The big news
Well I start counting from here because if the results were different there wouldn’t have been a story to tell! A usual day at work… An intensive one. The appointment for the biopsy results just after lunch break. Luckily met a friend there and shared a good laugh in the corridor just a few minutes before the news that were about to change my life forever. Didn’t mention anything then… It was during those ten minutes in the waiting room I started feeling some anxiety for the first time. I was there alone of course because I never thought that it would be something serious. Texted a friend in the…